Greek Mythtalia
by LobsterSalad
Summary: Greek Myths in a whole new perspective. Join the old heroes and gods on their adventures, but with a totally new twist in their personalities. Crack, crack, and more crack.
1. Prologue, the Beginning

**PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING, a Rushed Building of the Setting**

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><p>In the beginning there was Chaos. Then there was Gaia, the earth. Gaia fell in love with Uranus, the sky, and from them sprung the Titans. Then again from them sprung the Cyclops, Hundred Handed Ones, and other hideous creatures, but children of Gaia nevertheless. However, Uranus was appalled by the ugliness of the children and forced them back into their mother's womb.<p>

Gaia was enraged by that. She wanted to file a lawsuit for divorce with Uranus, but that hasn't been invented yet, so she settled for the next best thing. She gave a scythe to her Titan son Kronos and told him to kill his father.

"But Mom!"

"Hush, you do what you're told."

Kronos took the scythe and cut his father into thousands of pieces. Then he became the king of the universe. He married his sister Rhea and ruled.

"Brother Kronos, we have to get married."

"Huh, why?"

"You have to take responsibility."

"I thought it was only a one time thing!"

"Well, think again, I'm with child."

Kronos then went to a prophet to get a prophecy. Unfortunately, it stated that his children will overturn him the way he overturned his father. Scared, he ate his first child after Rhea gave birth.

"But honey! He's your son!"

"He's going to overturn me!"

"It doesn't matter- I want my kid!"

This also angered Gaia, but what angered her even more was the fact that Kronos didn't release her other children, the deformed ones that Uranus had oppressed. She devised a plan in order for Kronos to fall.

And so she waited. Until Rhea got fed up that all her children was eaten up by her husband. 5 babies, all gone down the throat, all would be for nought. When Rhea was with child the 6th time, she went to Gaia for help.

"Mother Gaia, this is the 6th child, the _6th_ one!"

"Yes, I know, dear."

"I don't think I can take another 10 months of pregnancy."

"We all have to deal."

"I wish he would use condoms! But they haven't been invented yet."

"It's tough."

"And the worst thing is, he's going to eat the baby again! Ten months of mood swings, cravings, a bloated belly, awkward walking, and for what? WHAT? For the baby's little gurgles and cute face, or for the baby to grow up and call me Mom? NO! For my husband to EAT my kid."

Ah, there was that outburst that Gaia had been waiting for. She told Rhea a plan, and Rhea agreed. The next time Rhea gave birth, she was ready. She wrapped a stone in swaddling cloth and gave that to Kronos to eat. Then she smuggled the baby out.

Soon the baby grew up, was named Zeus, and he freed his brothers and sisters.

"Let's get revenge on our git of a father," Zeus roared, "Mates, we can't stan' fer this- s'not proper!"

War, upturning, imprisoning the "evil" Titans, fall of Kronos. All that boring stuff.

_And now, for what happened after the victory..._

The gods won the first Titan war. And the time came for them to divide up the universe and rule.

The three brothers drew lots for the sky, sea, and underworld.

Zeus drew the sky, and then, satisfied with his lot, settled down into a gentleman. "The sky is nice."

Poseidon drew the sea, and he had a deep and sonorous voice to accompany the waves with. "Alright, kids, I'm off!"

And Hades had the Underworld. "THAT'S NOT CUTE! NOT CUTE AT ALL!"

So Zeus married his sister Hera and ruled with his sisters and brothers. Well, he was kind of sort of maybe coerced in to marrying Hera.

"You will marry me," she said one day.

"Why would I want to?"

"I have a feeling that I'll need a marriage certificate later on. To discourage someone."

"No, you hate me anyway."

"Da-I mean, yes, you will marry me."

So Hera wooed Zeus by transforming into a unicorn. When Zeus saw that unicorn, he was so excited that he went up to hug it. Then the unicorn changed back into Hera, and Zeus married her, on one condition.

"You'll change back into a unicorn sometimes, right?"

"Yes, yes, I will."

Demeter immediately began planting cabbages. When asked why, she said that it was in order to make kimchi. When asked what kimchi is, she said that it was the most delicious food in the entire world. Then she went to harass Hades.

Hestia was sort of ignored by everyone. When she said hello, no one heard her. So she became the one holding things together, because of her passive aggressive attitude that came from being ignored.

"STOP IT YOU GUYS!" she would whisper/shout. "You guys are always…" and on and on for 3 hours straight. Without repeating.

When Hades destroyed the palace on Mount Olympus in a tantrum, the whole place had to be rebuilt from scratch into a bigger, better, and cleaner facility.

So these were the original 6 great Greek gods, without any children or additions. As you can see, they aren't exactly chummy with each other, and as of then, only Zeus and Hera were married.

This is the story of the Greek gods, but really, most of them don't want to be called Greek.


	2. Hephaestus

**Disclaimer: Why do I even bother? It's called FANfiction for a reason. But, I do admit that I'm taking some lines and stuff verbatim out of the Hetalia series.**

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><p>MYTH ONE: THE BIRTH OF HEPHAESTUS<p>

**NOTE: THESE MYTHS ARE NOT IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER**

Zeus and Hera were husband and wife, but in name only. This was because they hated each other. And _that_ was because every time Hera decides to convince (read: threaten) someone with her water pipe, Zeus stops her. So whenever Hera sees him she feels like giving him a good punch in the face. But she restrains herself. Usually.

They have never gotten around to doing… stuff… that most husbands and wives do.

And then one day, Demeter decided to throw a big party. Grape juice, nectar, ambrosia, kimchi, the works. And a love potion(unfortunately not permanent), made by Hecate himself, to be mixed into the cup of Hades.

It was magnificent. There was a huge banquet, with beautiful nymphs as serving girls, silver and golden plates, and a waterfall of milk and honey. A small table filled up with scones, fish and chips, treacle tart, and tea was in a corner. Only Zeus and Hades visited the table, and Hades only for the tea.

It was on that table that Demeter decided to pour the love potion in the tea. Only two people-er, gods- drank tea. So she waited until Hades was reaching the table, then kindly served him a cup of hot, steaming, tea. Laced with potion.

Hades thanked her. He guessed that Demeter wasn't _that_ annoying all the time. But as he was about to sip the cup, Zeus came thundering by and grabbed the cup out of his hands.

"Hey!"

"Hm? Oh, sorry. I'm mighty thirsty right now, so be a good chap and let me have this cup, okay?"

"So mean, oh well. Demeter, can you pour me another cup?"

"Eh? Ah, sure, aniki!" But there was no more potion, so Hades had a healthy cup of tea.

Zeus, on the other hand, found Hera and sipped the cup. Then he stiffened. He noticed how Hera's light hair look so…mesmerising, and how her scarf complements her so much… and how he wants her. Now.

Needless to say, it was a restless night for both Zeus and Hera. And Hera found out, sadistically, how to stroke Zeus' eyebrows in such a way that made him bottom. Yeah, Hera topped.

And so that's how Hephaestus was begotten.

On the day of childbirth, Hera was walking along her sunflower garden, the sun was shining, birds were singing, peacocks were strutting along her. She wondered how her kid will look. Will he or she inherit the mother's violet eyes and big nose or thick eyebrows of Zeus? She shuddered. Oh dear, not the eyebrows.

Then her water broke. Just about everyone came, and Zeus stood nearby, pacing and pacing.

The baby came out, and he looked like-he looked-

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

"Your kid. Our kid."

"AS IF HE'S _OUR_ KID. ADMIT IT, YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HADES, DIDNT YOU?"

"I _want _to! But he wouldn't let me near him." Hera pouted.

"THEN WHY DOES THIS CHILD LOOK SO MUCH LIKE HIM?" Yes, Hephaestus had ebony hair and smooth skin, and while he didn't really resemble Hades, looked enough like him. In a rage, Zeus grabbed his child and hurled him down Olympus.

Hera looked at Zeus and smiled. Purple aura radiated around her. "Hey, that wasn't very nice ,was it? It was really hard being pregnant." She took out her water pipe. "I'm afraid that this time I'll have to punish you for a bit." She raised it. Everyone except Zeus fled the room. Zeus had been cornered.

"AAAAAGH RUSSIA!"

"It's not 'Russia', it's Hera. _Hera_." Smack. "It's already embarrassing wearing a dress all the time." Smack. "Then I got _pregnant_." Smack. "And as I said being pregnant was hard." Smack. "So I was really glad that the baby was out." Smack. "But then you threw him away." Smack. "Naughty naughty husband."

We'll leave the gory scene and look at where Hephaestus landed. But before that, let's talk about Hades.

Hades was the eldest of the six, but he looks like one of the younger ones. He also had a questionable fashion sense and decorated his Underworld Kingdom with numerous Hello Kitty items. As a pretty old man, he liked going on walks out in the upper world, because sometimes the Realm of the Dead gets pretty depressing.

So on that particular day that Hephaestus was born, he was taking a stroll near the ocean, grumbling about the amount of work he had to face. Then he heard a zipping noise, looked up, and promptly got hit on the head with a baby.

"I wonder why the baby was flying around in the air." Upon closer inspection, he noticed that the baby was a godling. And one that looked pretty cute, too. He smiled and swaddled the baby in his arms. "Hello, who are you?"

It was only a mumble, but he could hear the words "Hephaestus where the sun rises, hello you, where the sun sets."

"How rude!" He pinched the baby's nose. "But I'm afraid that you're right, little one. My place is definitely where the sun sets for those mortals." He noticed that the baby had fallen asleep. So cute. So he took him and set off for the Underworld. He didn't care who the parents were; whoever didn't want the child, too bad for them. Hephaestus was now under his guardianship.

He'd always wanted a real family of his own. Hecate would like a new sibling.

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><p>It was the time for the Council of the Gods. There was no new addition, just the 6 sons and daughters of Kronos.<p>

"He's late." said Zeus. "We should start without him."

There was a big poof, and there was Hades, but with a child strapped on him.

"I didn't intend to be late, but I was busy wrapping drunken crabs," he said, "and Hephaestus here didn't want me to leave him alone." He took his seat. "But don't get the wrong idea! I'm not feeling bad or regretful at all."

"Fine, whatever. You were late last time too. What's more important, the Council of the Gods or dinner?"

"Nothing's more important than food."

Zeus internally facepalmed, then noticed a child around 6 or 7 in the straw bag that Hades usually use to carry pandas.

"Who's that kid on your back?"

"This? He's Hephaestus, my…brother!"

"No, that's my son!" exclaimed Hera.

"No way, he's mine," said Hades. "Er, my brother...or son." Honestly, he had been wondering whether to let Hephaestus call him Father or Brother.

"SO YOU DID HAVE AN AFFAIR!" shouted Zeus to Hera. He didn't really care, but it was so embarrassing.

"What? You mean Hephaestus is YOUR child aru?" Hades glanced at the child behind him who was sleeping. There was no resemblance at all.

"No, of course not mine," said Zeus, "isn't he the lovechild of you and Hera?"

"ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF AN AFFAIR? This is serious offence and I won't just take it lying down aru!"

"It would've been so much easier to find out the father of the child if you had agreed to become one with me," complained Hera to Hades.

"No thank you." Hades sat down on his throne. "In any case, I haven't had an affair with _anyone_. So there aru."

"I believe in aniki da ze!"

"Eh, I think that we should all calm down a bit," said a soft voice. However, no one heard.

"Now you guys are just being ridiculous!" boomed a thunderous voice. Zeus and Hades looked towards the masked Poseidon. "I believe that there is no way that Hades could've had an affair with Hera. Obviously the child is yours, Zeus."

"It's Lord Zeus."

They stared at him, hard.

"Fine then, but only you guys can call me just Zeus."

The Olympians fell quiet, observing the baby who was now sleeping in Hades' arms. They looked like a portrait of a mother and her child.

"Maybe the Fates will know, eh?" said a sudden voice.

"GAAAH HESTIA WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?" was the outcry of the rest.

"I was here from the beginning, maple..."

"I don't think the Fates need to be involved in this, though," remarked Hades. "One of them is too chatty and annoying aru. Always going on about ponies. Since Zeus doesn't want the child, I'll raise him, since I found him anyway."

"But he is mine," said Hera, "So if you're going to be the father, then that makes me the mother." She smiled (creepily), "We can become one for _real_ if you let me..."

"HERA!" they all shouted at her, "YOU'RE MARRIED!"

"TO ME!"

"I'M JUST RAISING HIM AS MY BROTHER! MY BROTHER!" His decision was made for him. Hephaestus will call him big brother.

The meeting resolved. Nothing really got done that time, and the only consensus the gods came to was that Hades will raise the child. Zeus refused to acknowledge Hephaestus as his own, and Demeter tried to claim everyone's chest.

* * *

><p>Hephaustus grew up rapidly under the guidance of Hades. He had the entire disposal of underground jewels and metals that Hades allowed him to play with. Tinkering with metals, he created many fascinating robots, engines, and other materials.<p>

When Hades visited the sea and took Hephaestus along, the child met the Cyclops for the first time. Seeing them work in the forges and with the huge irons was a major turning point. Soon, Hephaestus became a frequent visitor to the seas.

On one visit, he finally met and talked to Poseidon.

"Boy!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You like visiting the forges?"

"Yes."

"What would you think of working in them part time?"

"I would love to! Thank you, Uncle Poseidon!"

Well. Calling him "Uncle Poseidon" made a whole difference. Poseidon gaped, then laughed and ruffled the kid's head.

"Ha, so cute! I like you, kid. You come to the sea anytime, you're welcome here."

The rest is history. Hephaestus opened his first forge under a volcano from the Underworld. His next forge was inside a volcano under the sea. His third forge-well, let's just say he had a lot of forges.

And the doors of Olympus opened for him at long last.

Extra:

"Hephaestus, the moon is so bright tonight aru."

"It is."

"I knew it was a great idea to make a silver moon to hang in the Underworld."

"It is."

"Could you make a miniature of it so I can hang it in my room? I don't do miniatures so well."

"I don't know, things are a bit busy..."

"Oh! You're making one right now! Ah~, such a good baby brother aru."

"..."


	3. Ares and Athena

**Myth Number 2: Ares and Athena**

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><p>Ares, the god of war. Brash, headstrong, (kind of) stupid, but also militarily tactical.<p>

Athena, goddess of the battle. Wise, smart, kind, and usually level headed.

They hate each other. Ares and Athena were both beings of the battlefield, and the tension between them was almost comical. If Ares was eating a cupcake, then Athena woud eat a small cake in front of him. If Athena was supporting Athens, then Ares would support Sparta.

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><p><strong>Ares<strong>

Ares was the son of Zeus and Hera (who had him one night when Zeus was extremely drunk). They didn't like him very much, because he was always so annoying and loud, shouting out "I'M THE AWESOMEST AWESOME GOD OF THE UNAWESOME OLYMPUS."

Of course, he was disciplined by Mother Rus-I mean, Mother Hera (who tried to form a faction-something about communism-but it broke down), but even though for a while Ares was beaten down, he rose up again in the awesome manner that only he possessed.

Idiot.

But the "awesome" Ares was feared by the people, known to them as the icon of the manslaughter of war, and the strong god of armies. His father hated him, his mother was annoyed at him, and the rest of the family labelled him as the dunce.

Come to think of it, Athena was the only one of few who thought that he had feelings and a brain (not always, but he had one).

"Really? I thought she hated you."

"Heheh-she's just jealous of the awesome me!"

"..."

"Okay, okay. She knew that I can be hurt so that she's always finding ways to beat me down."

"So she treats you like an equal in order to further humiliate you?"

"It's a complicated relationship."

"Relationship? I thought that she was going out with that-"

"NO! DON'T MENTION THE PRICK'S NAME!"

"Which one of them are you jealous of? Really, you're such a mess."

"Hey, who are you to talk about the awesome me?"

"Whatever, I'm leaving. Here's your lunch."

"HEY HEY! COME BACK! YOU CAN TALK TO THE AWESOME ME FOR A BIT LONGER!"

"No thank you."

"AWW! DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING IT IS TO BE CONFINED HERE?"

"HEY! YOU THERE?"

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

"AT LEAST TURN THE HEATER ON IN THE CELL!"

"WHATEVER! BEING ALONE IN CONFINEMENT IS AWESOME! I LOVE BEING ALONE!"

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><p><strong>Athena<strong>

Zeus fell in love with the Titan of wisdom, Metis. But there was a prophecy that the son of Metis would overthrow his father.

"This shows that you shouldn't go around like a dog in heat," said Hera."

"Wha-? I don't go around like a dog in heat! I'm a gentleman!"

"Meaning?"

"I take responsibility."

"But your son is going to overthrow you," snickered Hera.

"...shit."

So Zeus tricked Metis into truning into a fly and then swallowing her.

"So now you're eating bugs."

"Hera, shut up."

One day, when Zeus was walking in the garden, he had a splitting headache.

"Bloody hell!"

Falling the to ground, he gripped his head while calling for someone, anyone, to help.

Hades and Hephaestus, who were visiting Olympus that day, heard the cry for help.

"Should we go help him?"

"I kind of want to see him writhing there in pain aru."

"I think we should go help."

"Aiya, Hephaestus you're too kind. I'll go get the others, you see if you can do anything aru."

While Hades went to call for others, Hephaestus went to Zeus. Kneeling beside him, he asked if anything hurts expecially.

"M-my head-hurts-pounding-"

Hephaestus, put his ears next to Zeus's head, and sure enough, he heard pounding.

"Hmm, the most effective way is for a C-section."

"WHA-"

"You are carrying a child." With that, he took out a hammer and slammed it into Zeus's head. The head cracked, and a ray of golden light shone from it.

Out came a beautiful warrior, just in time with the rest of the family arriving. Long brown hair, delicate but firm features, and full armor, with a spear in one hand and a frying pan in another, the powerful Athena came into the world.

"The goddess of both the culinary arts and the battle is born! Hooray for this day!" some one cried out.

Athena threw her frying pan into the face of the one who said that, then willed it back into her hands.

"The frying pan is also a weapon." she stated.

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><p>"You won't be able to beat the awesome me!"<p>

"Hah! Try me, bird brain!"

"Don't insult the awesome Gilbird of mine! A bird's brain is intelligent!"

But his tirade ended when Athena hurled a spear at him.

"Heh, I've been itching for a fight for _months_." She grinned, then raised her sword.

"Alright, you asked for this, girly." Ares' red eyes glinted and he was also about to pull out his sword when music came out of nowhere.

"Oh! It's Apollo~!" cried Athena, quickly sheathing her sword. Pulling her hair out of its pony tail, she ignored Ares totally and ran toward the black haired, lyre playing god.

"Really," remarked Apollo, "you two have been fighting for forever."

"Not my fault, Polly." said Ares, "Athena here was itching to get a piece of good ass."

Apollo and Athena left him with bump caused by a frying pan.

"Really, which of the two are you jealous of?" asked a voice nearby.

"Just shut up."


	4. Artemis and Apollo

Myth 4: (Mostly) About Artemis and Apollo

"THE MEETING OF THE GODS WILL NOW COMMENCE!" Bellowed Hermes. For a small guy, he had a big voice.

"Now, the main idea of the meeting today is that this is the monumental meeting that will change the course of the destiny of Olympus! This is the meeting in which I WILL FINALLY BE ACKNOWLEDGED AS A PROPER GOD!"

"Oh for goodness' sake, Hermes, aren't you already acknowledged as a god already?" Zeus kneaded his head in frustration as his son pouted.

"But I'm just a messenger! That's lowly. Jerk Zeus- you just want to get me out of your hair!"

"What? Let me tell you, you're already included in the Council of Olympians, isn't that the highest honor ever?" demanded Zeus, his eyes narrowing. Really, people/gods these days, no sense of gratitude.

"But I don't even get a throne! All I do is stand around and listen to you old geezers."

"Aiyaa Hermes aru, you're actually very appreciated."

Zeus glared at Hades. "Wanker!"

"Wha-? What gives you the right to call me wanker?"

"Yeah, like, don't insult my old man," said Hecate suddenly.

"GAAAH! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" cried out everyone in the room.

"Through the door. Anyway, I just came to tell my old man that he forgot to pick up his medicine." Hecate tossed a bag to Hades. "Now, see-"

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" yelled Zeus. "How can you just walk in? You can't just do that, this is a confidential meeting. And even if you have to, you should have knocked, like a gentleman-"

"Oh, but isn't it funny, the way he just appears all the sudden, da?" asked Hera, smiling creepily at everyone.

"Funny, but not awesome." Ares stood on his throne. "WHY BOTHER WITH SOME OTHER MINOR GOD WHEN YOU HAVE THE AWESOME ME?"

He ducked as a frying pan flew over his head.

"NOT COOL, NOT COOL AT ALL, MAN!"

"Eh, people, you should all settle down, right?" Ignored. "Eh?"

"Well, the hero of everyone's dream should settle this down!" cried someone else.

Hephaestus said, tentatively, "I agree with A-"

"HEPHAESTUS START STATING YOUR OWN OPINIONS DAMNIT!"

Everyone stopped.

Artemis was standing there, with 7 arrows notched in her bow. "Shut the hell up so I can have some peace, or seven of you are going to get it."

They tentatively nodded, then sat back down gingerly. Hecate silently backed out of the grand door.

Artemis sat back down on her chair, too, and looked around the room. Satisfied that nothing else will upset the council and therefore threaten her neutrality, she polished her bow.

Apollo sighed. "You really have to learn delicacy."

"Shut up, it's none of your business!" snapped Artemis.

Zeus cleared his throat. "So-now that things are settled, let's move on to more important matters."

"Like acknowledging me as a-"

"Hermes, shut up for a bloody minute, won't you?" He cleared his throat again. "So, important matters. Is there anything anyone will like to report here?"

No one raised their hands. Almost everyone hated the mandatory monthly meetings. They were actually _meetings_, instead of the casual meet up every week.

Zeus sighed. He was always stuck with such immature, lazy, prone to irrational fits, and utterly _impossible_ people-gods, whatever.

"Well, there's the issue about the Athens and Sparta," he said. "Tensions are high, and I don't think that-"

Rrring, the bell signaling for the end of the meeting played, and everyone deserted the throne room in a second leaving Zeus behind.

"This is-this is just splendid isolation." he muttered. "I-I don't need anyone. Those gits."

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><p>i. First Meeting<p>

"Hephaestus, you're now going to meet you're new sister and brother!" said Zeus nervously. Hades had finally allowed him some quality time with his 10 year old looking son, and he was going to introduce twins he had.

"I'm sure you've heard about Apollo and Artemis, right? They look 3 years younger than you."

"Hai, I have."

"Well," Zeus fingered his tie nervously (yes, he wore a tie in addition to his robes), "here he is!" he said, pointing upwards.

Apollo's lyre landed first, drifting down to the ground, then Apollo himself, in a sitting in midair manner.

"I shall express my gladness to have met my brother," he stated, then picked up the lyre and played the most gorgeous music.

"Your skill is wonderful," said Hephaestus. "Better than any music manga protagonist."

"Well, that's all Polly's good at, ri~ght?" Ares grinned, leaning on Apollo.

"GAAAH! ARES SAN PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Poor Hephy's face was completely red as he covered his eyes.

"Huh? The awesome me is simply showing my awesomeness!" His chubby chibi face cackled as he showed off his asset.

An arrow whizzed by.

"Don't show me such disgusting things." said a cool voice. "Or the next one will be between your eyes."

Ares was grounded and forced up to his room in Olympus by Zeus, leaving the three remaining siblings alone in the forest. At least they can take care of themselves.

_Somehow, _thought Hephaestus, _my impression of Artemis san is wrong_. Images of him and Artemis dancing through the woods, Artemis carefully tending to a wounded animal, and (strangely enough) yodeling were dispersed in his mind. He slapped himself.

"BAKA!"

The twins just looked at him in confusion.

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, Artemis and Apollo were very very close. They hunted together (well, Apollo tried to hunt), lived together, and generally were inseparable twins. But one day, Hyperion decided to let Apollo ride his sun-chariot, and Artemis was unhappy because <em>she <em>wanted it. However, she was silent and didn't protest.

When Selene lent Artemis her moon chariot sometimes, Artemis was overjoyed at the fact that she was also riding a chariot, and could shoot down at people streaking across the land at night naked.

However, one day, Artemis accidentally lost control of the reins and her moon chariot covered the sun chariot. There was no light for a while, since the Sun was eclipsed by the Moon.

Apollo was annoyed, and things escalated.

Other words are unnecessary, just that ever since, on certain days Artemis would always borrow Selene's chariot and eclipse the Sun.

Therefore, this is the origin of solar eclipses.

* * *

><p>"Artemis!" Apollo huffed and puffed, finally catching up to his sister.<p>

"Tch, _you,_" she growled, glaring at him.

"You-"huff, huff, "do you want to-' bend over, take in more oxygen, huff, huff, "have lunch with me? I'll pay."

"No," she said curtly. "I'm not eating with you." Turning to go, she heard a muttered, "Too bad." And lightning struck her. Not literally of course, did you really think that lightning would dare strike the goddess Artemis?

_I eat out, he pays= I don't have to spend money= I save money= SAVING MONEY IS GOOD._

"So, what do you have in mind?" she turned around and asked.

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on Olympus. Birds flew, peacocks strutted, sunflowers grew, and Apollo's beautiful music swirled through the air. Ares was down in the mortal realm stirring up fights, Artemis hunting, Zeus getting drunk and seducing other ladies, and Hera in her field of sunflowers.<p>

The two of them, Apollo and Athena, sat on the balcony, relaxing.

"One day," said Apollo, "I shall invent a truly wonderful instrument. With strings."

"What will you name it?" asked Athena.

"I don't know, it will have to wait until I invent it." He smiled gently, "Until then, do you want some tortes that I made?"


	5. Aphrodite

**MYTH 5- Aphrodite: Beautiful, Graceful, and Heroic**

The Birth

Near the beginning, when Uranus was finally defeated by his son Cronus. Cronus sliced his father in to pieces-

"But mom-"

"Hush, listen to mother Gaia and do what you're told."

Yes, he sliced his dad into pieces.

Well, a slice of Cronus (read: his testicle, hem hem) fell into the sea and caused foams. Suddenly, within the foams rose a figure, and the sea gently carried the figure on to the shore. Zephyr, the west wind, found him, and Spring gently carried the child.

"Aww, he's so cute," cried Spring. "His hair is like wheat, don't you think? Hey, Zephyr, do you think he'll wake up?"

"I don't know. I've always liked children."

"I guess Boreas will have to work harder, right, _amigo_?"

Zephyr blushed.

"I think that I'll give him a _nombre_. America seems nice, don't you think?"

"I don't know," replied Zephyr, "I think Bloody Flower Egg seems nice."

"Uh, I -ah, don't know if that'll work, _amigo_."

"Hmm. Oh! We can combine 'aphro' and 'ditus' into Aphrodite. He's beautiful."

"_Sí_, I think that'll work."

Zephyr and Spring laid the little Aphrodite down into a crib woven of living tree branches to sleep. However, when Aphrodite woke up, he stared at the two of them, and ran away in shyness.

* * *

><p>Blue eyes, wheat golden hair, and silken skin.<p>

"I am Aphrodite. God of...HEROICISM!"

"No no. That's inappropriate," said Zeus.

"I agree with him for once aru," said Hades.

"I know what he is!" cried out Spring. "He must be Goddess of Beauty and Love~!"

"Hey now, man! Why did you add the 'dess'? God. G-O-D. Not G-O-D-D-E-S-S. And why beauty and love? Hey old man-" He pointed at Zeus "Don't listen to him, okay?"

"As much as I hate Spring, I must agree with him," said Zeus.

"W-wha-b-but-" Aphrodite looked around the circle of the gods that found him after all those years living alone. "H-Hephaestus-y-you'll help me, right? I mean, a hero like me can't be Love and Beauty! I-I'm Justice!"

He got hit in the head by a lady with a blindfold on, holding a balance.

"I'm strong! I can lift you all up-don't let me be-"

"I agree with Aphrodite," said Hephaestus.

Bang. "DAMNIT, STATE YOU'RE OWN OPINIONS!" yelled Artemis.

"So it is agreed," stated Zeus. "I welcome you to the Olympian Council, Aphrodite of Love and Beauty."

"Now this is ridiculous-" An arrow whizzed by his head. Artemis glared at him. "Okay, that's cool, man. So when do I start spreading love around?"

* * *

><p>"I do not think that it is appropriate to force her into this marriage," said Hephaestus.<p>

"I understand what you're saying," said Zeus. "However, her marriage must be a priority, since I have no wish to have a war on our hands regarding it. Others have been eyeing her like a piece of meat."

"Who is your top candidate, then?"

"You."

"Um, guys, I don't have anything against Hephy here, but- Can you guys not talk as if I'm not in the room?"

"Why me and not someone else?"

"Because you're the most steady one, you have Hades and me to back you, and anyone who wants your weapons can't oppose you so readily."

"Are you guys listening to me?"

"I don't think that Aphrodite will agree. She is too young for this."

"I notice how you guys're all calling me a 'she.'" Aphrodite frowned at the two men/gods in front of him. "I'm a GUY. Look at my fantastic MUSCLES!" Flexing his biceps in front of the two of them, he tried again. "Hey! Notice me! I'm riiiight in front of you guys."

"So it is decided," said Zeus. "The wedding will happen in two days, I will send the message right now."

They exited the clearing, leaving Aphrodite behind.

"...WHY DIDN'T THEY NOTICE ME? DID THEY THINK THAT I'M A GHOST? DID I DIE? OMG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?"

"You know," said Hades behind him, "If you didn't insist on wearing my Helmet of Darkness, that wouldn't have happened."

* * *

><p>In the end, this happened at the marriage ceremony:<p>

"I DECLARE MY FREEDOM! I hold these truths to be self evident, that we are all created equal, bestowed by the Mother Gaia with these certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

"No, Gaia didn't bestow that," said Zeus.

"I don't care. I'm not your little brother anymore, and as much as I like Hephy, I'm not marrying him." He tore off the marriage gown (Grecian styled) that he was forced to wear and revealed the tunic underneath.

"This is for your own good!"

"I'm _tired_ of everything you doing for my own good." He turned and started out the hallway. "I'm not going to be a part of this Council."

"I WON'T ALLOW THIS!" yelled Zeus, grabbing his lightning bolt.

Aphrodite stared at him, daring him to hurl it.

Zeus slammed it into the ground, sobbing. "Damn it...how do you think I can do that?"

"Aaaand CUT!" said Hephaestus.

"Huh?" asked the other gods attending the ceremony.

Hephaestus took center stage. "This is an April Fool's joke. Happy April Fool's. Now you guys can all leave while I get Zeus out of his character. Father is _such_ an actor, don't you think?"

They left, mumbling. Hades was the last, staring at the scene with curiosity, but stepped out the door when urged by Hephaestus.

"You are too kind, aru."

XxXx

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No, it's my fault for forcing you to marry. You're right, you-" he choked, "you don't need my help anymore."

"Hey come on, old man-we can still be friends!"

* * *

><p>"And that, child, is how Aphrodite helped the maiden in love," said a mother, telling her child stories about the gods.<p>

"But mother- some guy in the street today kept telling me that Aphrodite's a guy. You made him a girl in the story."

"Shush! You don't want the wrath of the gods upon us. A goddess is of course female."

"Okay, mother."

Invisible, two beings looked through the window at the scene. One chuckled.

"You're always mistaken, eh?"

"...I'm just too heroic to be looked at properly, okay? Now why don't you go back to your hearth."

"Maple, you don't have to be so angry."


	6. Kidnapping of Persephone, Part 1

**MYTH: THE DESCENT OF PERSEPHONE INTO HADES or THE "KIDNAPPING" OF PERSEPHONE part 1**

**a.n: Doesn't China seem like the kind of person who talks to himself?**

* * *

><p>Being the goddess of Spring and Flowers was stupid, especially since Persephone repeatedly reminded everyone that she is, in fact, a he. So if <em>he<em> has to be something or other of fucking Spring and Flowers, then he'd better be fucking called the _god_ of Spring and Flowers. N-not that he likes spring, or flowers. N-no, of course not! He was manly! He liked stuff like...(what was that disgusting stuff callled)...p-potatoes. Yeah. H-he liked p-pota-t-

Fuck it.

He'd rather be all unicorn and sparkle shit than potato and macho shit. They were just so _German_. So shitty. But then again, his life was shitty. His mother was always going on and on about his uncle, kimchi, how everything originated from agriculture (which originated from her), kimchi, how his nonexistent breasts are the exact replica of her own (though it was so flat sometimes even Persephone wondered whether his mother was actually his father), kimchi, and about how he should always follow her, because he's her little treasure.

N-not that it was like he liked being fawned over so much. He didn't! The only reason he doesn't just go and tell Demeter to go and die in a ditch was only because she was his mother, and so had to be respected. It wasn't as if he actually liked his mother as if-as if she's his mother or something!

One of the few people who understood the pain of always being called a god_dess_ even though their dick is hanging _right_ there, not afraid to be flashed at innocent minds, was Aphrodite. But he was an idiot (alright, a heroic idiot) so Persephone doesn't like dealing with him often.

Spring was also an idiot, although he _did_ introduce tomatoes, which made things alright in Persephone's book by a few centimeters. Eros was an idiot (pasta was delicious, but...really?) Ares was an idiot. Whenever he wanted to find Hestia, he could never find her. Him. He had no idea, since Hestia was always so invisible, but he thought that he saw a hint of cleavage sometime ago.

His mother was out somewhere, maybe a hundred miles or two away, no doubt doing something idiotic. Sometimes he felt as if he was surrounded so much by idiots it seemed...lonely. The nymphs were wary of him, and the flowers were just begging to be picked by him. Spring always said that for him to be subjected under Persephone was the greatest honour. Stupid bastard. Stupid bastard who wasn't here, always leaving him alone. Everyone. Always saying hello, oh, you're Demeter's daughter (son, SON), aren't you a cute little thing, now I have to go, bye bye, be a good girl (boy, BOY).

He kicked the ground. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Who cared if today was his birthday? Not his mother. Not Spring. Not even Eros (that one hurt the most; he had been counting on Eros). The nymphs looked almost scared of his temper, but he couldn't care less. Why should he?

Fuck this shit.

The dirt felt soft, Persephone decided, it was warm and comfortable. He burrowed himself beneath the long stalks of flowers and fingered the soil.

"You guys can go, I want to be alone today," he said. When the nymphs paused, he scowled and raised his voice (not very tasteful to him, since the nymphs were ladies, but still), "I said, GO!"

They ran.

Maybe...maybe he should just be grateful that his mother paid him attention usually. After all, birthdays were just...anniversaries. Just, once a year. Demeter gave out so much affection most of the time it should cover one day in a year, right? So his mother was forgiven.

The other bastards weren't.

With a sigh and a "Damn," he fell asleep, dreaming of tomatoes and some strange food called 'pizza'.

* * *

><p>One more time. If Hecate tried to set him up with someone one <em>single<em> more time, then heavy armament would be called. No, he didn't care if the ladies were charming. No, he didn't care if Hecate suggested that a harem was suitable (a palace filled with hundreds of women scheming against each other? No thank you), Hades was happy as a bachelor, and that was that.

"Come on, just one more person. She's the immortal daughter of the-"

"No means no aru! I'm going to take away your fireworks if you continue with you."

Eyes narrowed. "You _wouldn't_."

"I would."

Hecate clutched his sleeves hardly, glaring at Hades in the most blank way as possible. "Fine," he said. "I'll send them away. Just so you know, those ladies were really cute."

"...All the 'cute' I need can be fulfilled by Shinnatt aru."

"If women aren't to your taste, we can find some young boys. Or do you prefer them more mature?" He persisted, "I need to win this- I mean, I need to see you happy with someone."

"Hecaaaate aruuu! Why are you placing bets on me again?" Hades pouted, "Seriously, I know where you keep your 'secret' stash, so send those girls away."

"You aren't afraid of their fathers or mothers being offended?" asked Hecate, making one last ditch attempt to have his teacher participate in match making.

He was answered with a disturbing grin that came from a figure cuddling a panda. "Who do you think I am?"

"..."

Alright, Hecate was silenced, now was his chance to slip away-

"Morpheus, Thanatos, Plan A failed," called out Hecate.

Forget it. He just ran away. Like the wind. Oh ye~ah, the wind~ the wind~ the-

Sorry.

* * *

><p>The sun was shining, the birds were singing, a random tree was blocking light and letting him sleep, the flowers were bending over him to touch his cheeks (those crazy fangirls), the ground was softening itself just to be more comfortable for him, and the temperature was warm enough that he didn't need a blanket.<p>

So he slept. No out of body revelling this time, no travelling the human world in dreams, no visit to or from Morpheus-he just slept. Sleeping was easy, it almost lets you feel the painlessness of non-existence.

And Persephone didn't want to feel pain. He was tired, tired of being snubbed like this. He didn't want to ignore it, but this was the third year in a row that they forgot. Guess that spring, flowers, and random plants aren't really important after all.

XxXxXx

There was a person sleeping in the field of flowers. Hades saw the figure curl gracefully on the ground in the distance as he strolled across the surface of the world.

The sun was gleaming, the birds were bursting in song, there were the occasional tree that elegantly held their pose in the field, the flowers wafted their scents in the air (for some reason, it smelled especially floral that day), and the ground was comfortable to walk on. The temperature was just the time for an afternoon nap.

He came across the sleeping mortal-no, god. Hades could see clearly now, the figure was a god, brunet, and peacefully sleeping the afternoon away.

"Aiyah, what is a young god like him doing here? Should I wake him?"

The brunet frowned slightly in his sleep, as if his entire being opposed to the idea of waking up.

"I suppose not aru." The temperature was getting warmer, and Hades felt his eyes droop. There was a dull droll of cicadas in the tree that began. "I guess, I should sleep too. It would pass time until Hecate and the others calm down aru."

He laid down next to the god, noting the strong arms and the slight baby fat that was still in the face.

"...Cute aru..." Eyes fluttered and closed, and the King of the Underworld, too, succumbed to slumber.

* * *

><p>"Mmm, pizza..." he said softly, turning in his sleep. Feeling a warm body next to his, Persephone pursed his lips, but didn't want to leave the comfortable realm between sleep and wakefulness. It must be Spring, he thought, or maybe even Eros, come to wish him a happy birthday. Well, he wasn't going to forgive them so easily, no sirree! They should suffer for forgetting his birthday for even an hour (and it had been more than an hour since the beginning of the day). He grinned slightly in anticipation at the punishment and the yelling that he was going to give them later on, and cuddled the body next to him.<p>

W-what? I-it's not because he was _happy_ that Spring or-or Eros was there, h-he just needed warmth! Warmth, that's it! He curled around the warmth, even putting his face near the neck, almost nuzzling the person.

"...aru?"

Huh? W-wait a minute...d-did that mean that-

Persephone cracked open his eyes, still heavy, but they soon widened when he saw who it was that he was spooning.

A strange girl.

Sure, the body was masculine enough, and he felt muscles under the smooth cloth, but the face was undoubtedly a girl's face. Probably one of Artemis' hunt group.

HOLY SHIT SHE COULD BE ONE OF ARTEMIS' HUNTING GROUP HE WAS _SPOONING_ ONE OF HER GIRLS SHE'S GOING TO KILL HIM AND THE GIRL'S GOING TO BE IN DANGER-

Wait. It was possible that the strange girl _wasn't_, even though she certainly had the muscles to prove it. He was letting his thoughts go ahead of him...and he was still holding her.

Letting go like dropping a hot potato (although Persephone would drop and throw any potato, not only a hot one), he blushed, stuttering, "L-look, I-I'm sorry. I-I thought you were one of my friends and I-I didn't know. S-sorry."

The girl didn't answer, just stared at him. Then she suddenly put her forehead against his, and he blushed even darker. He could feel her breath.

"...You don't have a fever, aru," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. The girl traced a finger over his eyes, to his nose, around his cheeks. "So young."

"W-what?"

Her attention was caught by his wayward curl, she lifted her hand upwards to it, almost mesmerised by the strangeness.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," croaked Persephone, his throat dry from seeing the girl. She turned her eyes to his again, and their gazes locked.

There wasn't any fireworks, nor a "magnetic pull dragging their eyes to each other, pulling them closer and closer," they weren't even staring "at the deep dark depths of each other's mysterious eyes."

They just looked at each other. The girl's hand floated up again towards the curl, and Persephone didn't notice.

"CHIGIIIIIIIII!"

And then he did.

**XxXxXx**

The moment the boy opened his eyes, Hades felt as if Aphrodite had played a trick on him. In fact, even before the boy opened his eyes, Hades felt like Aphrodite was up in the sky, laughing.

Even if this wasn't love at first sight, it was certainly lust at first sight. And Hades hadn't gotten _any_ in years. He let the boy wrap his arms around him, feeling the heat between them. Such a fine specimen...if he'd been into that type, the boy would be stripped down to nothing and ravished already.

He looked over the stranger's frame appreciatively. Not too buff, but still well defined. The hands weren't exactly smooth, but they weren't a farmer's hands, either. More like...a gardener's hand. A really enthusiastic gardener.

So when the boy suddenly went an even darker red, and pushed him away, yelling "CHIGIIIIIIII!", it was...cute.

Very cute.

"SOOOO CUUUUUUUTE ARU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" Hades sat up and grabbed his wrist, looking up at the boy. "Tell me aru."

"...You're a guy?" He seemed surprised, and even more embarrassed. "W-whatever. L-let go of me, damnit."

"No. Not until you tell me your name aru."

"What makes you think that I'll tell you?" He finally pulled out of Hades' grasp, looked away and pouted.

"Fine aru," the boy was irresistible, a strap hung loose on a shoulder, flowers seemed to crowd beneath him, and the-the adorableness that made him crazy. "You can take your time to tell me aru. In my kingdom."

The ground next to them split open, starting to bubble and twisting itself until the dirt formed into a chariot inlaid with jewels and gold, attached to four pure white horses.

The boy stared.

"Like it aru?" Hades took hold of the boy by the waist and lifted him into the chariot with himself. "Tell you what, I'll wait until you tell me your name aru." He tried to stop himself from ogling the boy's smooth body, resisting the urge to molest the hell out of him. Haha, molest the _hell_. Ver funny.

"What do you mean you'll _wait_? L-let go of me! I-I'm the child of Demeter, God of Spring, Flowers, and Random Plants. You'll regret ever taking me!"

**XxXxXxX**

The girl-no, the _man_- suddenly slackened his grip on him. Persephone gave a sigh of relief.

"That's right. If you do something to me, bastard, my mother would come right after you and- mmmrrfff."

He struggled in the renewed vaselike hold of the stranger, trying to push away from the kiss, and failing spectacularly. When the stranger finally stopped, Persephone was gasping for breath.

"So cute aru..."

"I-I told you-my-my mother-" He tried to climb out of the chariot, but was again pulled into a hug by the stranger.

"I don't care about your mother...although she _is_ Demeter. That just means that I'd have to be serious aru." Persephone could feel the smile and the soft nuzzling on his neck.

"I-I'm telling you, stop that!"

"No." With a twist of his wrist, the chariot began to sink down into the ground, the earth closing over them. "I'm Hades, by the way. Your mother's brother aru."

"Let me go!"

"No." He grabbed the reigns of the horses and flicked them, making way even deeper into the Underworld. "You see, I'm taking you to see my kingdom aru. Our kingdom in the near future."

"What are you talking about? I don't want to see some disgusting Underworld!"

"You'll love it, even though it doesn't have too much plants, but I'm sure that you can plant some aru. Persephone, right?"

"...Yeah."

"That's a beautiful name aru."

Persephone blushed, not a lot of people spoke to him like that. "Th-thanks, I guess."

"Would you be my queen?"

"HUH?"

"Was that the first proposal aru?" asked Hades. "I'll say it over and over again. Would you be my queen?"

"...Isn't-isn't there something you should say before that, though?" mumbled Persephone, a blush going across his face again. "I-I mean, it's my first one, yeah! S-so I want things to be perfect damnit!"

"Eh? What's with the change of heart?" teased Hades, "I thought you were all 'let go of me' earlier on aru." He guided the horses across his land, having them gallop at full pace to the palace.

"W-well, there could be worse bastards out there than you. I-I mean, looks wise- your personality sucks. Who just kidnaps someone out of nowhere?"

"Who just grabs a stranger in their sleep?"

"Bastard-I didn't know it was a stranger!"

"Not anymore, anyway, aru." Hades led Persephone down the chariot. He got down on his knees and took Persephone's hand. "Will you marry me?"

"...I told you, there's something you should say before that."

"Eeh? What aru?"

20 feet away, Hecate facepalmed. Really, just when Teacher finally brought a nice lady home, he had to be stupid.

Apparently, Persephone was also extremely annoyed by the obliviousness. He pulled Hades up from the ground and landed one right on his lips. A kiss, that is.

"I love you. Shouldn't that be said before anything else, idiot?"

"Your mom is going to kill me. I love you."

* * *

><p><em>TBC. Tell me if the ending is too cheesy. <em>


	7. Kidnapping of Persephone, Part 2

**MYTH: THE DESCENT OF PERSEPHONE INTO HADES or THE "KIDNAPPING" OF PERSEPHONE part 2**

**Note: Random Genderbends. Really random. **

**The Wrath of Demeter**

**_Character Check:_**

**Persephone: Romano**

**Hades: China**

**Demeter: South Korea**

**Zeus: England**

**Hera: Russia**

**Ares: Prussia**

**Artemis: Switzerland**

**Poseidon: Old Man of Europe who Wears of Mask- Turkey**

**Eros: Guess.**

* * *

><p>The sun's still in the sky- check.<p>

The birds are still singing down on earth- check.

The apocalypse isn't happening anytime soon- check.

Ares is still grounded in his room (so what if he's already an adult? A _mature_ adult wouldn't streak across Artemis while she was _babysitting_ her adopted little sister, thus justifying the avalanche of arrow wounds that he was nursing in his room right now.)- check.

The Soviet Vodka Party is still disbanded- check.

The sky is still blue- check.

There are no undead armies trying to take over the world- check.

Zeus scribbled checkmarks onto his List of Things that Could Go Wrong and let out a sigh of relief. With his family, the earth would split open if milk was accidentally spilled on someone's robes. There was no such thing as overreacting; it would be perfectly normal if Poseidon decided to unleash a world wide earthquake epidemic, alternating between zones in a checker board pattern if he discovered shadows of bed bugs in his room. That didn't mean that Zeus had to like it.

Because Zeus didn't like it. He didn't like the noisy squabbles that his family were always in (wasn't it obvious that _he_ was the one who's perpetually in the right? Was it really so hard for the others to shut up and mindlessly follow his lead, since he was their ruler and all?), he didn't like the sexual tensions that he had to resolve, he didn't like the quirks that his relatives insisted on having, he didn't like how-

Zeus didn't like a lot of things (his eyebrows, though, are sexy as hell. So he liked those). However, since the world seemed to be in relative peace, Zeus allowed himself a satisfied sigh, sinking into a random cloud and sipping tea, watching the random idiocies of his family from above.

Oh, look at Hades, taking a stroll in the mortal realm again. Green eyes followed the small dot, and from a birds eye view, noted as his brother settled down into a nap, next to someone. Who, Zeus didn't know, but he had better things to do than watching his brother. Like finishing that nice piece of embroidery that he started on.

...Embroidery is a manly business. It is so manly that it can make you cry.

Suck on that, suckers.

So it was while Zeus was working on (extremely) manly business that the sun set, the stars came out, and a cool night wind set in. That, my dears, is what real concentration should be like. When he finally noticed the change in time, he stood up and brushed some nonexistent dust off of him (because dust was forbidden to even _exist_ on Olympus), then set off to his bedchamber.

While he was walking up his elegant path to his comfy bed that was just waiting for him to grace his sleeping figure on, a shape knocked into his head and made the almighty Zeus stumble.

"Bloody hell what the *_censored_* was that *_censored_* why can't anyone give me a *_censored_* *_censored_* when it's just so *_censored_* *_censored_* like *_censored_*?" He grabbed the shape in irritation, and dissolved in even deeper frowns when he found that it was a flying panda. A flying panda meant only one thing: A message from the Underworld. (Sometimes he wondered at his eldest brother's aesthetic senses, more than one drink had been spit out in surprise when the flying pandas were introduced as messengers from the Kingdom of the Dead.)

The note read,

_Hello, my dear brother, I'm still a bit sore about that drug incident, but let's let bygones be bygones. _

_I have sent this letter as a reconcilement notice, since something miraculous and wonderful have happened to me today: _

_I am in love, and it was love at first sight (be jealous, be very jealous, you loveless jackass). Yes, you have not read that wrong, you faux-tea-lover-who-can't-stand-tea-without-sugar-and-milk. I'm just writing this letter to let you know about my matrimony. By the time you get this I'm probably already a married man. _

_From, you beloved brother Hades._

_Aru._

Zeus promptly burned the letter and tossed the ashes into the air. Fancy Hades being a family guy! He couldn't picture it, but then again it wasn't his business. So what if his older brother decided to get a shotgun wedding? It had nothing to do with _him_. The only problems it might cause was the slim chance that the bride's parents didn't want their daughter being married to the King of the Dead, and _that's_ easily taken cared of. Because who didn't want their daughter to be in a relationship with the gods of Olympus?

...Then again, who wanted their daughter to spend the rest of her days in the _Underworld?_

* * *

><p><em>A few hours before...<em>

His boy was beautiful. His little boy that he picked up in a flower field, just like an eye catching blossom that he _had_ to have in his possession. A blossom that was going to be preserved in the Underworld. Just. For. Him. Hades was beyond pleased.

His pretty little boy, standing in the cutest wedding gown ever, cursing his brains out.

"What the fuck is with this? Why the hell am I in a fucking dress? And don't look at me like that, give me some proper clothes!" After another barrage of expletives, Persephone crossed his arms and glared at his husband-to-be. "I'm waiting. For proper clothes. Not some shit eating Greco wedding gown."

* * *

><p>"MY CHILD IS MISSING DA ZE!"<p>

* * *

><p>And his husband-to-be just chuckled and pecked him on the forehead. "I know, I know aru. It would be insulting for a man to be married in a dress, of course aru! Obviously there's been a mixup, but this is just too cute, so let me look at you for a little longer?"<p>

"No way in hell! You're going to get me some motherfucking proper clothing or-or- just get me some!" Persephone could go on and on, he could go on complaining about how nobody would just listen to him, how he doesn't care that this is cute- men aren't supposed to be cute!

"But you're barely a man, you're just a boy, really," said Hades. "Yes, you muttered the last bit out loud, because I can't read minds aru. Five more minutes, though. Five more minutes of cuddling and I'll have you in 'proper' clothes, and we'll get married."

The younger rolled his eyes, but otherwise relaxed into the arms of the elder. He could wait five more minutes. Just...

"Say, isn't this moving a bit fast? I mean," he fidgeted, "I only met you today."

* * *

><p>"I HAVE TO FIND HER-IT'S HER BIRTHDAY! IT MUST BE MY FAULT DA ZE- EROOOS! HAVE YOU SEEN PERSEPHONE? SHE'S GONE! GONE!"<p>

* * *

><p>"But we have to seal the deal before your mother finds out and drags you away aru. She's very scary like that. And I fell in Love At First Sight! First time ever."<p>

"I mmoh swer dw d," mumbled Persephone.

"...I don't understand a word you just said...aru..."

"I _said,_" he gripped Hades' hands tightly, "I would never throw away a chance like that, so I understand. And- and- and you better treat me right!" He blushed, "I mean, since I'm going to be living here and all- well, that's a bit unfair but you have to run this place. And I swear, I'll treat you right, too. You can depend on me. I'll protect you! From-from anything," he concluded lamely at the amused look on Hades' face. "Don't be like that, bastard."

The "bastard" blushed, and hugged his boy tighter. "Hecate," he called, "get the real clothes for Persephone."

He brushed some nonexistent dust off Persephone (since dust wasn't allowed to touch what's _his_ without permission in his territory. Family resemblance, anyone?) and pulled them up. All Hades knew about the boy in front of him was that he loved tomatoes, felt inferior to Eros, could garden like hell, was the son of his sister, had a rude personality, but was very, very, cute. And Hades could imagine living eternity with this boy by his side. That was why he proposed in the first place.

"I'm going to be taller than you, bastard. And then we'll see who's 'just a boy.'"

And all Persephone knew about the man in front of him was that he had a strange addiction to "cute" things (but sometimes he wondered), and he looked so clear cut and straight forward sometimes that-that-Persephone didn't know (he did know something about Hades' bad habit of copying). But he could try marriage and love for the first time, both at once.

"I wonder what my mother's going to say."

* * *

><p>"WHAT IF SHE ELOPED WITH SOMEBODY SUSPICIOOUS? I WON'T ALLOW IIIIT! SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MARRY UNTIL-UNTIL- NOOOO MY LITTLE GIIIRL! MOMMY WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER BABY BY MY SIDE DA ZE!"<p>

* * *

><p>A hug.<p>

"Don't worry, I'll take care of your mother aru. Now, I'm going to go and wait while you change, okay? Everything will be alright."

A smile.

"It better be, or else I'll sick the Roman mafia on you." Persephone didn't know where that came from, but it felt right, so he left it like that.

* * *

><p>Nothing hurt Eros' ears more than a frantic mother gabbling on about something. Especially if the mother was Demeter. Eros didn't even know what Demeter was going on about- she was talking in such a fast pace and loud manner that he couldn't make out her words at all.<p>

"Calm down, have some pasta."

"MY BABY! MY BABY!"

"It's okay, calm down and have some pasta."

"MY LITTLE GIRL! I HAVE MEMORIES OF WHEN SHE WAS BORN DA ZE. SHE'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN KIMCHI! MORE! I WOULD GIVE UP KIMCHI FOREVER FOR HER!"

"It's really okay. Calm down, and let's have some good pasta. And then you can tell me what happened! And we have pasta, which can solve any problem in the world." Eros didn't let Demeter's words affect him much, if only because they slid into one ear and out the other like raindrops on a special waterproof duck. Wait, aren't all ducks waterproof?

Demeter stopped and grabbed Eros' shoulders, pulling him up to her, nose to nose.

"My baby girl Persephone is _missing_ da ze!" she hissed into his face. "I will find whoever is responsible and that person _**will pay**_."

...

...

"HE'S MISSING! HE'S MISSING! ALL SORTS OF THINGS CAN HAPPEN! HE COULD BE DEPRIVED OF PASTA! HE COULD BE TRAPPED IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE! WE NEED TO SAVE HIIIIIIIIIIM!"

"WE NEED TO! WE NEED TO! WE HAVE TO LOOK FOR HER, EROS! WE HAVE TO LOOK FOR MY LITTLE GIRL!"

"I AGREE, VEE! LET'S START HERE, IN MY HOUSE!"

They ran around Eros' house/mansion/villa/weird-architectural-structure-that-doesn't-really-look-Greek yelling out Persephone's name and trying to gauge where the avid gardener of the family was. Eros checked his bedroom, his guestrooms, attic, basement/ice room, in the kitchen, under the amphoras, inside his cups, and in a pinhole.

Demeter ransacked Eros' garden, making sure not to poison herself with his love plants, digging the dirt to see if her precious 'little girl' was buried under there. She checked the garden equipments to see if any of them are enchanted in any special way. This place being the property of Love, most things were enchanted, but none of them really special.

No, no, no. Not here. Not there. Not here. Not there. She ran frantically inside the house to see if Eros made any progress and bumped into him as he ran outside to see if she made any progress.

"She's not here," said Demeter.

"Ve, I checked everywhere in my house, I can't find him either!" Eros nearly cried at the thought.

"I looked through the field she was in before, but she wasn't there. I looked through Peloponnesus, Atticus, Macedonia, the Nile Civilization, Ethiopia, even Nubia- but she's nowhere in the mortal realms." Demeter did cry, leaning her head on Eros' shoulders. "I-I didn't forget her birthday! It's just that the surprise took a long time to arrange, and some things went wrong- and-and-" she realised with a shock, "_she must have thought her mother didn't love her!_ Da ze."

The two of them then raced out of the place and looked all over the world for Persephone, this time in some not so mortal places. The secret chambers of the Delphi Oracle, Nereus' place, the end of the world where Hera kept her golden sunflower tree, the end of the rainbow and Iris' house, Zeus' bedchambers, Ogygia, and in some of the places where the flowers bloomed best.

Persephone was in none of those places. By the time the two of them went back to Eros' home, it was dark.

The goddess sobbed. "I want her back. I want her baaaack!" She led herself to the front door, shoulder hunched and still streaming tears down her face.

"It'll be okay," comforted Eros, steering her out of the way of his collection of True Love Couples That Destiny Tore Apart. "We'll find him. We will." Suddenly a thought occurred to him, and he grinned. "I know, ve! I know who we can ask!"

"Who?"

"Apollo! He has that sweet ride, the Sun Chariot, right? He sees everything that goes on!"

"...He does." Slowly Demeter lifted her tear streakened face up, lips cracking in a hopeful smile. "He does see everything-I'm going to go to him now. Bye, Eros!" She sprinted out, filled with a new resolve.

Which was a good thing for her kimchi supply, because Demeter liked comfort eating.

* * *

><p>Apollo didn't have time for this shi- uh, waste of, uh, time. He had a dat- uh, meeting with Athena soon, and minutes spent trying to get a needy Demeter off his tail wasn't pleasant.<p>

"Yes, I saw her," said Apollo, polishing his lyre. "Persephone, was it? The one with the curl who isn't Eros?" Without waiting for Demeter's replies, he continued stoicly, "Yes, I've seen her. She was pulled into a chariot by Hades and taken to the Underworld."

The pin dropped.

And Demeter's entire world turned around.

"Th-that's impossible! Why would oppa take her?"

Apollo had a very explicit idea of why Hades would want to take a defenceless young girl into his kingdom, but felt that Demeter had enough on her emotional plate. He decided to be kind, and pushed his glasses back up, glancing back at his aunt in his haughty manner.

"I am not Hades, now, how should I know? Perhaps he has finally fallen to your wiles and has taken your daughter in order to understand you more? I do not know what goes in the mind of the lord of darkness." He swept by her, sincerely wishing that his predictions were true, "Now, if you would excuse me, I have a meeting with someone."

Already Apollo could feel the pangs of guilt that happened every time he told a vague untruth. Perhaps what he said was true, though he doubted that. Perhaps Hades really had fallen for Demeter. Psh. Maybe when Ares realised his uselessness and bowed down before him, begging for forgiveness. He tried not to see the glimmer of hope that was rising in Demeter's face, the tears slowly drying, and Hope invisibly alighting on her shoulders.

Apollo paused. "Maybe you can arrange a meeting with Hades."

"I will," said Demeter determinedly. "I will go to oppa's house, and I will see if my Persephone is there. And if she is," She bit her lips, "...Well, if she is, then of course your prediction is right!" Grinning she ran off.


End file.
